It is unreal and a bit indescribable to me how much my attitude has changed since Sunday.  Can you only imagine, constantly living with the (what I like to call) ‘one day’ attitude and then all of the sudden just doing it??  I know I already said it, but I truly can’t describe it.  Basically since high school, I have guarded myself, censored myself, and basically just not BEEN myself. (we can get into the psychology of that at a later date.)  Now I’m not scared.  I’m being open, I’m being honest, and I’m being myselfabove all.  I point this out because, let’s be honest, very few people know me – the real me.  The Stephanie with nothing holding her back, no reserves, no inhibitions.  I can think of one, and she ironically does love me for me.  Are we scared to truly open up and show our whole selves to people for fear of what they may think?  Yes.  Throwing yourself out there and basically becoming vulnerable is one of the hardest things we face in life – especially if you’ve been hurt before.  I’ve hidden myself, really from everyone else in my life, because I’ve been scared of approval, or really, lack-thereof.  But really, I love who I am – when I actually am me.  I’m getting pretty tired of ‘hiding,’ knowing how much I have to offer!!!  As do we all!!!  So I refuse.  I absolutely refuse to do it anymore. 

I unintentionally did an experiment this morning, getting ready for work with Johnny.  And yes, I truly mean unintentionally.  For some reason, I opened up (morning person that I am) and just acted like myself.  And that would mean, I was a complete goofball.  Because, let’s face it, I am.  AND I LOVE THAT.  But I don’t know where it came from.  I was just. . me.  It really seemed to make him happy, but I wasn’t really looking for any sort of approval, and really didn’t even think about it until I received a text message from him: “I loved your mood this morning!!”   I was ecstatic.  I realized that I hadn’t really BEEN myself around him in quite a while.  And maybe, just maybe, that’s been our problem – no, not to say that we have a bad relationship, because really our only vice is the fact that we have a problem communicating.  I haven’t been me.  I can’t imagine what our future may hold if I continue this attitude – which I do INTEND to do.  =)  

I truly hope I can share myself with everyone.  As completely self-centered and silly as that sounds, I know that the real me is so much easier to love, to understand, to be around, and to have FUN with.  That’s what it’s about.  It’s about stopping and thinking about how short and precious this life is, and LIVING IT.  That’s what we’re here for.  If you don’t like your life, change it.  If you don’t like parts of your personality, change it.  Example?  I told myself in January that I refuse to procrastinate anymore when it comes to school and work - and I don’t.  Seriously, I’ve changed so much in that aspect in this past 7 months!!!  Now I want to apply that to my everyday life.  Like I said before, I don’t want to have that ‘one day’ attitude anymore.  That ‘one day’ is NOW!!!  It’s morbid, but let’s be honest here, I could be gone tomorrow.  [Eek!]  There’s just so much I have left to do though!!  Why wait??? 

This week, all 5 days so far of it, has been phenomenal.  Can it really be so easy?  As much as I’ve preached about how any situation can always be perceived in a different light, it ALL depends on your attitude, I’ve never practiced it.  I’ve never listened to my own advice.  And I know that a huge part of it is having allowed my faith enter into my everyday life – every decision, every emotion, every thought.  It changes you, it really does.  And I’m not here to preach to you.  You guys know that I was raised by the most open-minded of women in the world and I am a huge advocate on finding YOUR beliefs, not letting someone find them for you.  I’m just simply proud to say that I have!!  And I hope everyone experiences this feeling one day.  It’s unbelieveable.  In the words from a song that my momma used to play me all the time: “Ain’t my God good!”

[The title of the blog is the lyrics from the Joy Williams song 'Hide.'  I encourage everyone to read the lyrics.]

Love ya’ll lots.

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