I Hope You Dance

Okay, so I”ve been avoiding this post for a couple of days now – 5, to be exact – and not for the reasons you would think.  Sunday was the 4 year anniversary of my mother’s death.  Those of you who have been around long enough to experience even one of these anniversaries know that it’s no picnic to be around Stephanie during those days.  But this year was different.  Not that it’s ever any easier, but I found a more positive way to cope.  The reason I’ve been putting off writing this post is because I desperately wanted to include a picture from when I was a kid of my mom and I.  But I can’t.  Along with all but one of my pictures of mom, I do not have them electronically, and my lazy butt hasn’t made time to go do so at wally world.  [Hope to have time to accomplish that this weekend so I can follow up with it.] 

Anyways, there is one particular picture of mom and I that I wanted to post.  And ironically, you cannot even see her face, but it’s still my favorite.  I was 3 or 4 years old and we were at the house we had with my biological father.  We were outside, and he had done something to make me run away from him - maybe tickle me or something – and I hid behind my mom’s legs.  He then took a picture of this moment, and I think it depicts exactly the relationship I had with my mom – and what I’ve missed so badly these past four years – comfort.  She was my shelter, my safe place, my only place I could ever call home.   We moved a lot when I was a kid. . every two years, so I never really got attached to a house or school or even friends.  She and my biological father got a divorce right around the time that picture was taken, when I was a toddler.  So it was my mom and I for quite a few years – me and her against the world.  I had no clue then, but later realized that we actually had it pretty hard money-wise and there were things that I never knew about that she had to deal with.  She was the strongest woman I’ve ever met.  She had lived through some hard times and was determined to show me the world as it was, not sugar-coated, or as Disney depicted it.  It wasn’t necessarily a negative way of thinking, more of a realistic way.  To this day, I appreciate it. My mom was the type to never hide anything from me.  So when I asked about a ’grownup’ topic at a young age, she’d just tell me.  She was honest.  An honest you don’t find in most people.  Thoughts of my childhood make me smile because of her.  

But as negative as parts of that last paragraph sound, I have some of the most wonderful experiences with my mom.  It was always fun, we were always laughing.  One of my last and favorite memories with my mom was going to the High Museum of Art in Atlanta for a school project – one of the most amusing days of my life.  It’s not that we didn’t appreciate the art, we just found a different way of looking at it.  Specifically the ‘thinking man.’  We giggled for hours because he was clearly wondering why he was so cold???  (And that his penis clearly proved that!)   We had pizza and shopped around Little Five.  It was such a simple day, yet perfect.  She was my best friend.   She was my home.  It didn’t matter where we lived or what we were facing, I always felt safe with my mom. 

There are 19 years worth of stories I could sit and write about, and most likely will at a later date.  Her life and her death made me appreciate the world and the people in it – because it could all be gone at any second.  There was a song, that we called ‘ours’ that is now so very close to my heart.  I think it truly sums up my way of thinking, and I thank her for that. 

Lee Ann Womack – I Hope You Dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you’ll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they’re worth taking
Lovin’ might be a mistake
But it’s worth making
Don’t let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I love you mom.

send the pain below.

First of all, please keep your thoughts and prayers with my friend as his fiance just went into labor at 5 months and things are not looking too good for the baby.  It just breaks my heart when people have to go through things like this and I wish so badly that there was something I could do to help.

So I’ve never really understood how much people with back problems dealt with.  I pulled a muscle in my shoulder – again.  It hurts.  It happened before, when I worked at O’Charley’s.  I guess my weak little self shouldn’t have tried to carry those heavy trays full of a ridiculous amount of food.  No seriously, they used those plates you get that are oblong and about 10 times heavier than the average plate.  SO yes, I was partially just a little weakling,  but part of it was because I was stubborn and didn’t want to LOOK like a weakling in front of all the guys!  Ha.  Needless to say, I ended up getting a doctor’s note and a brace and such, forbidding me to carry anything at all, so I became a little helpless anyways.  But this time it happened kind of out of the blue.  I always carry things on my right side because my left is pretty much just inadequate.  So it happened yesterday carrying groceries in.  Ugh.  I couldn’t sleep last night because of the pain.  So my heart goes out to all that have constant back issues.  I can imagine that it would make one a very grumpy person, not getting enough sleep each night. . . .

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HALEY!!!!!!!!

Love ya’ll lots!!!!!!

P.S. Clever title, huh?  ;)  

P.S.S. I am always ending sentences with a preposition.  Can someone please tell me why that is gramatically incorrect and how in the world I word a sentence otherwise to get the same effect.  English was never my forté.

you don’t have to hide

It is unreal and a bit indescribable to me how much my attitude has changed since Sunday.  Can you only imagine, constantly living with the (what I like to call) ‘one day’ attitude and then all of the sudden just doing it??  I know I already said it, but I truly can’t describe it.  Basically since high school, I have guarded myself, censored myself, and basically just not BEEN myself. (we can get into the psychology of that at a later date.)  Now I’m not scared.  I’m being open, I’m being honest, and I’m being myselfabove all.  I point this out because, let’s be honest, very few people know me – the real me.  The Stephanie with nothing holding her back, no reserves, no inhibitions.  I can think of one, and she ironically does love me for me.  Are we scared to truly open up and show our whole selves to people for fear of what they may think?  Yes.  Throwing yourself out there and basically becoming vulnerable is one of the hardest things we face in life – especially if you’ve been hurt before.  I’ve hidden myself, really from everyone else in my life, because I’ve been scared of approval, or really, lack-thereof.  But really, I love who I am – when I actually am me.  I’m getting pretty tired of ‘hiding,’ knowing how much I have to offer!!!  As do we all!!!  So I refuse.  I absolutely refuse to do it anymore. 

I unintentionally did an experiment this morning, getting ready for work with Johnny.  And yes, I truly mean unintentionally.  For some reason, I opened up (morning person that I am) and just acted like myself.  And that would mean, I was a complete goofball.  Because, let’s face it, I am.  AND I LOVE THAT.  But I don’t know where it came from.  I was just. . me.  It really seemed to make him happy, but I wasn’t really looking for any sort of approval, and really didn’t even think about it until I received a text message from him: “I loved your mood this morning!!”   I was ecstatic.  I realized that I hadn’t really BEEN myself around him in quite a while.  And maybe, just maybe, that’s been our problem – no, not to say that we have a bad relationship, because really our only vice is the fact that we have a problem communicating.  I haven’t been me.  I can’t imagine what our future may hold if I continue this attitude – which I do INTEND to do.  =)  

I truly hope I can share myself with everyone.  As completely self-centered and silly as that sounds, I know that the real me is so much easier to love, to understand, to be around, and to have FUN with.  That’s what it’s about.  It’s about stopping and thinking about how short and precious this life is, and LIVING IT.  That’s what we’re here for.  If you don’t like your life, change it.  If you don’t like parts of your personality, change it.  Example?  I told myself in January that I refuse to procrastinate anymore when it comes to school and work - and I don’t.  Seriously, I’ve changed so much in that aspect in this past 7 months!!!  Now I want to apply that to my everyday life.  Like I said before, I don’t want to have that ‘one day’ attitude anymore.  That ‘one day’ is NOW!!!  It’s morbid, but let’s be honest here, I could be gone tomorrow.  [Eek!]  There’s just so much I have left to do though!!  Why wait??? 

This week, all 5 days so far of it, has been phenomenal.  Can it really be so easy?  As much as I’ve preached about how any situation can always be perceived in a different light, it ALL depends on your attitude, I’ve never practiced it.  I’ve never listened to my own advice.  And I know that a huge part of it is having allowed my faith enter into my everyday life – every decision, every emotion, every thought.  It changes you, it really does.  And I’m not here to preach to you.  You guys know that I was raised by the most open-minded of women in the world and I am a huge advocate on finding YOUR beliefs, not letting someone find them for you.  I’m just simply proud to say that I have!!  And I hope everyone experiences this feeling one day.  It’s unbelieveable.  In the words from a song that my momma used to play me all the time: “Ain’t my God good!”

[The title of the blog is the lyrics from the Joy Williams song 'Hide.'  I encourage everyone to read the lyrics.]

Love ya’ll lots.

A scary but anticipated journey.

[Written Monday morning, July 28, 2008]

My walk with God began when I was very young. . You know, the Christian pre-school, yearly VBS, growing-up-in-the-church kind of young.  I enjoyed the stories, loved the social time with friends, and my favorite was to sing in the youth choir and perform in the plays – yes, I know, I’ve changed QUITE a bit.  But I wasn’t getting the message.  I went to a local southern baptist ‘fire and brimstone’ church and was there every second the door was open.  I knew practically everyone there and had all the right ingredients shoved into me to make the perfect little Christian – and no, I don’t mean that in a sarcastic way.  But I was missing something.  I was just going through the motions, I wasn’t actually listening.  When we prayed, I put my head down and counted the lint on my shirt, or thought about what kind of exciting event would happen when I got to leave.  At no point in time did I ever develop a relationship with God.  Don’t get me wrong, I am truly grateful that the church was a huge part of my upbringing, but my church never felt like home.  So, in high school, after I moved from Canton to Woodstock, I branched out a little bit.  I visited a United Methodist church with Haley, a Penecostal church with Shae, Woodstock First Baptist with a family friend [whoa, that one was overwhelmingly big.], and finally a Nazarene church with Celestia.  I enjoyed them all, and found that the closest to ‘home’ for me was the Nazarene.  It was a small church, similar to what I was used to, and the youth group only had about 15 people at the time.  I loved it.  I volunteered in the nursery and once again, was there every time the door was open.  But I still never got it.  The message.  The relationship.  It was still just a social thing for me.  To this day, I can’t tell you what one sermon was about.  Not that I didn’t love the church, or that maybe it wouldn’t fit me better today, but it just didn’t do it for me then.

That was the last church I experienced up until well after my mom passed away in 2004.  You can imagine when something like that happens to someone so young in their life, saying that it makes a huge impact is an understatement.  All of the sudden, the real world applied to me.  Up until that moment, nothing bad every really happened in my life.  Sheltered, you could call me.  When my mom passed, it was the first person I had lost in my life other than 90-something year old relatives who have gotten to live full, exciting lives.  It was ‘natural’ to lose them.  But not my mom.  It still feels wrong.  Needless to say, after about a year later, when I seemed to pass the anger and denial stages, I began my journey on a search for religious fullfilment.  I began researching world religions.  I wanted to know everything I could about fulfilling that missing aspect of my life.  I wanted to understand life – and death.  And I wanted so badly to stop being so afraid of my future and what happens when we die.

I attended North Point Community Church [www.northpoint.org] for the first time sometime in 2006 with Johnny.  Actually, we went to Browns Bridge in Cumming (a partner church) and then came to North Point.  I didn’t know what to think.  Aside from Woodstock First Baptist, this was the largest church I had ever stepped foot in.  [And recently found out that it is actually in the 'megachurch' category.]  Not to mention the culture shock when you throw a hymn-singing southern baptist girl into a concert-like worship  complete with lights.  It intimidated me, to say the least.  But the sermon spoke to me.  I cried that day – and fight back tears every single Sunday.  Andy Stanley, along with every other guest speaker I’ve heard, simply have a way of communicating God’s word so that everyone understands, and it even seems to apply to all.  I’ve always ENJOYED North Point, but up until this past Sunday, never acted upon my desire to get more involved – partially because this ‘megachurch’ is utterly intimidating. . and we all know I’m already shy to start with.  But I guess Louie Giglio’s message got me. [Will write a blog soon about it.]  I went home that night and vowed to myself to make a change.  I didn’t want to live in fear anymore.  I didn’t want to hold myself back.  And I didn’t want to by SHY!  =)  Last night, and this morning, I genuinely PRAYED.  This is a huge step for me because I always grew up with the thought that I didn’t need to bother God with my problems, that there were others with much bigger and more important issues.  I mean, I prayed in thanks – for food, for beautiful days, for my family and friends – but never with any problems.  I know now, that of all times, this is when I should turn to him most!!!!  So obviously, this daily prayer routine that I’ve taken up is a little bit awkward for me!  But I FEEL better.  SO much better.  I’m developing that relationship with God that I have always wanted.  I’m finally walking with Him!

I signed up to voluteer for UpStreet today.  (UpStreet is the K-5th grade Sunday youth groups at NPCC)  I’m now looking into Starting Point for my own small group.  I’ve wanted to get involved at North Point since the first day I came.  I know how silly it is to even be saying that out loud, but it’s such a huge step for me and I’m honestly surprised that I did it!!  But every sermon I’ve ever heard has touched my heart.  The messages and experiences I’ve had at North Point have made this huge church – a place that’s completely out of my element – feel like home.  And I can’t let me fears and intimidation of the size of my church continue to hold me back from what I know in my heart I want to do.  I know this is the next step in my ever-growing relationship with God – to overcome my fears and humble myself to become the person I want to be for myself and for Him.  So ya’ll bear with me please, I’m still learning and hope that I’m at least expressing myself fully because it’s all so different and new for me!!! 

Love ya’ll lots!

P.S. I encourage ANYONE who might be interested in joining me for a service to never hesitate.  I mean, that is exactly how I got to this point today, visiting North Point with friends.  Someone invited me and now I want to do the same.  Getting back involved in church, and specifically this one, is changing my life towards everything I’ve ever wanted to be.

Age is Just a Number

. . . so they say. And I’ve always believed that and still do. I mean I’ve been told numerous times that my personality is a lot older than twenty-three. . . I blame Mom on that one. I guess I just feel like this whole 20′s decade, even though it’s only been 3 years into it, has been full of confusion. I mean, is anyone else with me here??? I know that this is the time when we’re supposed to be finding ourselves and whatnot, but lately I’ve felt kind of. . lost. And if you’ve met my family, they’re not the best to turn to for advice AT ALL. And Johnny, who’s a guy (in case you didn’t know), is much more practical than I am, and very useful for most subjects as a source of advice. But when it comes to finding myself, it seems the only person I have to turn to is – go figure – myself. [And God, who's definitely playing a huge role in finding moi. But that's a whole other blog in itself that will come soon enough.]

Blah blah blah.

What’s in a name?

I feel that a song can be interpreted many different ways, depending on the person and how they feel it applies to their life. I chose this song because I felt it describes where I’m at in my life right now. And since the point of me starting this blog is to collect all the ridiculousness in my head, explaining the name seems like the best place to start. Lyrics, shall we?

I’ve been down and
I’m wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me
It wastes time
And I’d rather be high
Think I’ll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They’re all free

So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home

I look around at a beautiful life
Been the upper side of down
Been the inside of out
But we breathe
We breathe
I wanna breeze and an open mind
I wanna swim in the ocean
Wanna take my time for me
All me

So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home

I am not a sad person. Never really have been. Many times in my life I have found myself temporarily letting smaller issues get the best of me, but I generally love life and find happiness in even the smallest of things. I think that a big part of this song is sadness, and could easily be interpreted in a depressing manner. But the way I see it, it’s about someone that doesn’t want to waste time thinking about the sadness, or worries, and that the positive attitude they carry helps them to be free of it all, smile, and look at what a beautiful life they have. That being said, this is the definition of me, right now. I’ve been through experiences, good and bad, that have truly made me who I am today. But then again, haven’t we all?? But lately, I’ve been so overwhelmed by all the thoughts in my head and desperately need somewhere to put them all. So here I am. And forgive me, because I’ve never been a writer. So sometimes I won’t make sense. And they aren’t exactly negative thoughts either. I’ve just begun to realize that I have so much I feel and so much I want to say that I never do express. And that there are so many people who do not know me, or do know me but are confused as to why they can’t understand me. Ironically, I may never even share this blog or these thoughts with those people. But at least I’ll have somewhere to put them in an organized fashion.